Every time I think about
you, my First Love, my face bursts into a shy smile. I try to stop the corners
of my mouth from curling upwards but I try in vain. The smile manages to break
loose. Soft laughter escapes my lips.
You see nobody at home
knows about you, so if they were to ask me why I was grinning from ear-to-ear like
an idiot I wouldn’t be able to tell them. That’s because I kept your identity a
secret for thirteen long years.
Anyways here goes… let me
put it down on paper for you.
First Love, I was thirteen
years old when I met you. I can clearly recall the day when I saw you for the
first time. The memory is still vivid in my mind.
It was the first day of
high school…
A bunch of us juniors were
shuffling our way to the classes we’d been assigned, I was among the crowd
jostling and being jostled. In a bad mood because the class assignments had
thrown up a surprise for me, (I was the only one singled out from my gang of
friends and put in a different section), I wanted the day to end so I could go
home and bawl my eyes out.
Stranded and forced to
navigate my way through my first day of high school without the security of my
coven I was in a sulky mood. How was I going to survive high school all alone?
That’s when I entered my
allotted class and saw you.
*
You were so cute.
That’s the first thing I
noticed about you. You simply took my breath away.
A mop of thick black hair
fell across your forehead. Merry eyes twinkled with mischief. You had a wide
grin and perfectly white teeth. I was smitten from the get-go.
I stopped in my tracks and
swallowed.
I had never seen such
physical perfection before. Quickly I came back down to earth.
You were sitting with a
bunch of your friends when somebody in your posy said something and the whole
gang burst into laughter. That bright sunshine laugh of yours broke through
your lips and I was caught off guard. You happened to look up and our gazes
locked for a second.
That’s all the time it
took for me to decide that I was in love with you.
Since you had already bagged
a seat on the second bench, I quickly hurried over to a spot behind you. I knew
no one in this class so I reckoned I’d make friends with you and your lot.
After I had managed to bag
the seat behind you after a brief tussle with another student, you responded to
the summons of one of your friends and left to sit three rows behind. That was
a waste, I thought disappointed, but I could still hear you making conversation
from where I sat so all was not lost I reckoned.
Besides it was just the
first day. There was the whole year ahead for us to get acquainted in.
*
My new bench mates and I
introduced ourselves.
They seemed all right and
we got talking. All the while I kept an ear out for you.
Why had all of you laughed
when I entered the class? I was curious to know.
My heart began to beat strangely
fast. It was the standard response I had the whole year to your presence. Then
entered the Class Teacher...
She introduced herself and
announced that she was going to hold an election to select a class monitor. Who
wanted to contest? Four of our classmates stood up. One of them was you.
Everyone took out their
pens and the Teacher passed around some scraps of paper.
I quickly scribbled down
your name. So did a bunch of others, and you were named Class Monitor.
Just my luck! Now you
would be at the forefront of all things concerning the class. Ahem ahem! We
would have to interact at some point or the other.
I was elated. Satisfied
with the day’s outcome, I exhaled.
After school, I went home
experiencing a jumble of emotions. I was sad to be split from my gang of
friends and I was annoyed that they didn’t seem too disappointed to be
separated from me. The term had started and the course work seemed tough.
I fell into one of my
‘woe-is-me’ moods until I remembered that today I’d met you. Immediately my face brightened up.
First love, do you know
that your mere presence saw me through many of the rough and stormy seasons of
that first year? Seeing your sunshine smile was the highlight of my day.
*
Back home I told my sister
about my first day. I omitted any mention of you. She’s the world’s biggest
tattle tale, you see. She would’ve told Mom, Mom would’ve told Dad, and the
whole Conservative Party would’ve jumped down my throat.
That night as I lay awake
after the lights were turned out I thought about you. Again I burst into a
grin.
What should I do?
Should I make friends with
you first and then tell you that I liked you? Or should I confess that I liked
you and then wait for your response? What was the way to go?
But I was dead set on one
thing. I had to get to know you and tell you that I liked you, and hope that
you liked me back enough to start a relationship with me.
“Relationship” that’s a
big word to use for a child of thirteen to use. But that’s what I wanted.
*
The next day I found out
why you had laughed when I entered the classroom. Someone from your gang cracked
a joke about my haircut (it was cut as short as a boy’s) so you had laughed.
My nebulous hopes were
dashed to the ground and I mumbled something to the person who informed me.
That was that then.
You found me funny. I
pondered about it for a while and grew dejected. You found my hair cut funny.
Not in a good way funny, but in a ‘she’s weird’ way kind of funny. I sobered up
really quickly. There was a chance that you might not like me, I mused.
Hmm, well…
I swallowed nervously and
took my place. I caught a glimpse of my reflection on the window pane. A shock
of hair rose up from my head. In vain I tried to smooth it down. Before the
year was out it would grow out, I reasoned. I could then change my hairdo
maybe…?
I endured that day and the
next couple of weeks quietly. Luckily I wasn’t the butt of anymore jokes.
Time to time I hoped that something
would take place to force you talk to me or something might come up to throw us
in together but I guess my luck had run dry.
In the free periods I made
up scenarios and role-played them out in my head. It was an excruciatingly
futile period of time. Until the day
the drought turned to rain.
You were minding the class
while the Teacher was out and you asked to borrow a pen.
I think I almost leapt out
of my seat to provide you with one. You smiled at me and said thank you.
That was all it took for the
sunshine to break out over my gloomy life.
I think you even said my
name when you said ‘thank you’.
I felt my heartbeat rise. I
took in a lungful of air then released it. Okay, he knows my name, I thought.
That’s something.
I forgot to mention why I
behaved so secretive about liking you. My Mom was a teacher in the same school
and she was a part of the Conservative Party. Having a boyfriend was a strict
no-no with the Conservatives, so I had to be careful of the company I kept in
school.
I sat down again. You
returned my pen. The rest of the day passed without event.
This would not do for me.
I had to get you to like me I decided.
But how was I supposed to do
that right under the nose of the whole Conservative Party and their acolytes?
Hundreds of eyes were on us. That’s how school worked.
Where could I be alone
with you in a crowd of people with no one getting even the slightest hint that
I liked you? How was I to hide my love for you in school full of beady eyed
teachers and gossipy girlfriends?
How could I avoid being
linked to you (which was what I was most afraid of)?
*
The month droned on and
the dry spell continued. Being separated from my gang meant my closeness with
them began to fade a little. I made new friends in class, absorbed new
information, learnt a lot of new things, got involved with the extracurricular
activities at school and school life in general continued.
I quit being proactive
about getting to know you, choosing instead to bide my time and let what will
be, be.
First term tests were
scheduled and I began to work my butt off.
I was pleasantly surprised
to discover that you were a “studier” too. I hadn’t pegged you down for one but
when the first term marks were announced, it turned out you were in the running
for the top prize. That’s when I saw a glimmer of hope for me.
Prize Day…?
On prize day the
prizewinners were made to sit separately from the rest of the student body for
convenience’s sake, so if things worked out, I might be sitting next to you.
This turn of events got me
excited.
How was I to ensure that I
was placed next to you?
I had to come in second place
and you had to come in either first or third, that was the only way for us to
sit side by side. Then I could talk to you in peace.
I heaved a sigh of relief.
Now I had a goal to work for.
*
The universe did me a huge
favour next. It happened somewhat like this:
One June Saturday I set
off for my Chemistry tuition.
The situation at home had
intensified to epic proportions. A Cold War was being fought. Democratic USA
(Mom) was furious with Despotic Russia (Dad) over something Despotic Russia had
done and as a result other non-aligned states such as myself had to face the
flak of the fallout.
I hated it when the Cold
War broke out at home. There was no place to hide.
I entered class, took a
seat, and began to doodle on the last page. Chemistry was one of my least
favourite subjects. I liked the teacher though and I had some friends in the
class, so it wasn’t all a waste.
At around six forty five,
forty five minutes into the lesson, you entered.
I almost stopped
breathing.
I was so surprised to see
you.
Of all the chemistry
tuitions in the world, you chose to walk into mine.
I hoped to catch your eye,
but you didn’t appear to recognize me. You said something to the Teacher and
sat down right in front of me.
This was a sign! This was
the universe telling me that we were meant to be together.
I coughed and hoped you
would turn around to check who was coughing because it was one of those
“Ahem-ahem-nice-to-see-you” coughs, but you didn’t so much as turn your head.
And for the next hour and a half your attention stayed fixed on the board.
Mine didn’t.
I began to imagine what it
would be like if were together.
I would make sure we never
ever fought a Cold War. I would take the onus of drafting out the peace
treaties myself.
I think it took you two
more classes before you noticed that I attended the same Chemistry class as
you.
*
The next time we talked
was three weeks later. It involved the monsoons and a little bit of
miscommunication which resulted in me arriving for Chemistry tuition early only
to find the premises locked up. There was no one about and the sky threatened
rain.
Wondering what to do, I
called up my sister and asked for advice. Stay, she said, until someone turns
up. So I stayed and frantically texted the others to find out why class wasn’t
being held.
Then you arrived on the
scene like another clueless cuckoo.
You saw me and you
asked—“No class today?”
A low growl of thunder
interrupted me. I looked up to find that the sky had darkened with thick black
rain clouds. Any minute now it would begin to pour.
“I don’t know,” I said, “I
was just texting the others to find out.”
“Oh,” you said.
And then silence.
Luckily no one responded
to my texts.
“What are you going to
do?” you asked.
“I’m going to wait,” I
said.
“For how long?”
“I don’t know. Half an
hour?”
“Okay.”
I took that to mean that
you would wait with me. And you did.
I was over the moon at
this opening the Universe had provided for me. We might get talking. And then
who’s to say what could happen with the rain threatening to pour?
The low growl of thunder
turned into a mighty roar and it began to rain.
I was pleased with myself for coming.
“What are we going to do?”
you asked.
“It hasn’t been half an
hour. Let’s just wait.”
“I don’t think anyone is
going to come. I’m leaving. Don’t wait here by yourself. Go home.”
I swallowed. You sounded
like you cared about me. It made me feel fuzzily warm on the inside.
I wanted you to stay long
enough for me to confess my feelings to you because the setting was perfect,
and there could be no better timing. A proposal in the rain…? How romantic! But
it looked like you had places to be.
“I’m waiting,” I said
stubbornly, “You go.”
But you didn’t go. After
about five minutes you asked me another question. “How will you go home?” you asked.
I looked doubtful. From
where I stood I could see the autorickshaw stand. There was just one
autorickshaw waiting there.
“I’ll take that,” I said.
You nodded.
“What about you?” I asked.
“I came by car,” you said,
“My driver’s waiting.”
I nodded. You had a car on standby. So there was no need
for you to rush. I felt you would stay and keep me company.
Then suddenly you made a
dash for your car and I stared after you gobsmacked.
“You’re crazy,” you
screamed as you ran into the pouring rain holding your satchel above your head.
My heart crashed to the
ground again. First Love, how was I crazy to want to stand in the rain with you
for half an hour? It seemed like the sanest thing in the world to do.
*
I went home dripping wet.
The Cold War escalated because Despotic Russia told Conservative USA that she
should pay closer attention to the state of dependent countries such as myself
and see to it that we’re not neglected in the bargain. USA asked me why I
hadn’t the sense to take an umbrella with me when I knew the monsoons were
about to hit. I made no answer. I’d rather stay out in the cold rain than spend
an hour at home trapped in a Cold War.
That night I thought of
what happened. “You’re crazy,” you’d said.
I’d again made the wrong
impression on you.
I lay back in bed and
stared at the plastic glow-in-the-dark star stickers my sister and I had taped
to the ceiling. I smiled. That’s okay, I told myself, I was a little bit crazy.
Everyone in love is just a tiny bit crazy.
The year crawled by
slowly. Every week at Chemistry tuition I sat behind you, but we never spoke to
each other after the rain episode.
Second term test scores
came in. I beat you, and as things stood I was going to come in second place
and you were going to come in third.
Before third term began I
had a panic attack. What if I scored so well that I came in first? Or what if
you did a tad poorly and came in fourth? How was I to ensure that you got a
rank as well?
First Love, I cannot
impress upon you enough the agitation I felt during those two weeks of exams. I
calculated all sorts of permutations and at one point left two Geometry
questions unanswered just to make sure that I didn’t top the class.
The exams concluded. One
week later the results were announced. I
came in second place and you came in third. Another boy came in first.
I could finally rest in
peace.
*
Prize Day came in
February.
I was super excited. A
whole year’s planning was going to come to a head that day. I groomed myself
well. I waxed my arms and legs, did the best I could with my hairdo and arrived
smelling like a rose garden. I made all that effort for you, but things didn’t
go according to plan.
First Love, something I
was totally unprepared for happened.
As per our positions we
were placed together. For the first half an hour the principal gave a speech
and I couldn’t speak to you. Later, when the prizes were being distributed I
tried to speak to you.
“Congratulations,” I said.
“Thank you,” you replied
and looked at your watch.
I couldn’t think of
anything to say after that. You clearly did not want to talk so I sat back
feeling disappointed when the boy to the right of me spoke up.
“Congratulations,” said
the boy who came first.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“Congratulations to you too.”
“Thank you,” he replied.
I tried to include you in
the conversation but you sat quietly next to me, looking bored and tired of the
whole show.
The boy who came in first
was a thin, bespectacled squiggle of a person. I’d never spoken to him until
today. I couldn’t even recall his name.
“What subject did you get
highest in?” he asked.
“Mathematics,” I replied.
“Oh,” he said,
“Congratulations! I got the highest in English.”
I nodded politely.
“Do you know, we’ve never
talked before?” he said. “I always wanted to talk to you but you seemed like a very
cold reserved person.”
I swallowed. A cold
reserved person? Me? Besides, what was he actually saying? He had always wanted
to talk to me?
“I didn’t know,” I mumbled,
“What did you want to talk about?”
“Nothing specific,” he
said, and a sly grin broke out on his face, “I always thought you were cute.”
He laughed nervously and tried to brush it off as nothing. My eyes widened in
surprise. First Love, the day wasn’t going as expected.
“Oh,” I said in surprise.
Then I looked to my left. You were everything I wanted. I had patiently waited
the whole year to have this moment with you, but you didn’t seem interested in
me. In a strange turn of events the boy who came in first was confessing his
feelings to me. First Love, what was I supposed to do?
I made a split second
choice.
*
The next year, and the next
year, and the year after that, I came in second place. I continued to come in
second place until I graduated high school.
Only this time it was to
sit beside Another Love.
